After my yoga and Zumba workout yesterday, I felt compelled to share the selfies in this post (see below) on Instagram. When I started writing my caption, I realised it was turning into an entire blog post. So here we are….🙈

The Skinny on Confidence?

I’ve never really felt confident in my body. But when I look at old pictures, I wonder why the heck wasn’t I? You know that meme where you are mad at yourself for wasting your skinny years thinking you are fat. Yep, that’s me.

But I never considered myself skinny either. EVEN when I weighed 109 lbs in 2005/2006, which meant I was underweight for my height. I would soon find out that it was a result of a condition known as Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). A condition that would later flip the switch and make it difficult for me to lose weight.

Read about my PCOS story here.

I’ve always been preoccupied about my physical flaws to the point where it was almost comical. Every few years, I would focus on a different flaw, after I came to terms with the last.

About 8 years ago, I ordered this neckline slimmer when I became obsessed about my double chin. A friend had to collect the package for me. I remember thinking I would be less embarrassed if she thought it was a sex toy instead what it actually was. 😳

My husband and I laugh about it now. I had hid it from him at first. He now has a better understanding when I comment every now and again about someone’s nice jawline. What a feature to notice right?

Not A Diet Fan

Despite my love for being active, I had issues maintaining an “ideal weight”, being most unhappy with my arms and stomach. I actually liked that I gained a lil booty. Lol. But of course I also had a love for food (which Trinbagonian doesn’t?). I would have to DRASTICALLY change my diet to get any results. When I was on the Herbalife programme, I did see some serious results. I even won a trophy for the most body transformation. But alas, that was not a sustainable diet. Unsustainable for my health and my pocket.

I also couldn’t sustain any other fad diet, to the point where I don’t like hearing that word. There is a real reason that 75% of that word means to stop living. 😐😖☠

While I value eating healthily, I am not about eating unhappily.

A Mindset Shift

Something changed when I had my daughter almost 2 years ago. Not only in my body but in my mind. I started appreciating my body. I had actually been able to eat generally healthily during my pregnancy (baby didn’t want no junk). So between that and breastfeeding, I was smaller than I was before my pregnancy.

Almost a year later though, I struggled to find the balance between work and family life. I started comfort eating again and ironically, started getting uncomfortable again in my body. I also didn’t make “me-time” a priority so there wasn’t much working out. But my mind wouldn’t let me go back down the self-loathing road I would usually go down.

A few months after my daughter turned 1, I started getting little spurts of free time. I slowly started being active again. I wanted to start teaching Zumba again but it was scary. The same thoughts I had when I started teaching in 2017 – Who would want to be instructed by someone who had a tummy and arms like mine?

But then, I thought, wait till they see me move, wait till I make them sweat. I know many people who may not fit society’s look of fitness, but don’t you underestimate them, they could run circles around us. Not me because I hate to run, but I would Zumba circles around you.  😆💃

So yes, my mind was different. It was for once fighting the negative thoughts. I exercised more, my relationship with food was changing and I launched my first Zumba class post-pregnancy.

The goal now is not necessarily to lose weight but to be healthy. I realised that I shouldn’t even focus on the scale. The scale always told a different story to what I was feeling. A story that I didn’t care to listen to anymore.

Bringing Sexy Back

In the last few weeks, we have been working from home due to the coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic so I have been working hard to make my health a priority. Both physically and mentally.

Of course, I am doing more of my first fitness love – Zumba. I am also pursuing two new loves – yoga and belly-dancing. Need to make use of that tummy right? 😁

Feeling stronger and more centred, I’m excited to continue on this journey to the full acceptance and appreciation of my body.

There have been and still are struggles – hormones, PCOS, genetics, my dad’s buss-up-shot – so I know it won’t be a perfect journey. These will no longer be my excuses but my fuel.

In the past, I would never have dreamed of posting these types of pics. I would only share with my husband because I believed he would be the only person who would look at it and think “she’s sexy”. But now I am going to try to post more when I feel sexy.

Another new habit is that I am going to show myself some compassion, which is something I haven’t done over the years. I have always been my worst critic. This time around, I am going to cut me some slack. I may falter but I am not going to give up.

I’m bringing sexy back. And I will keep bringing it back as many times as I need to. 🤗🤩🥰

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Please feel free to share your thoughts and where you are in your body positivity journey in the comments 🙂

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