Based on EVERYTHING I did within the first 6 months! 😕

“Mommy-hood” just may be the toughest of the hoods out there.

You can try your best to prepare for what awaits you upon pushing out that tiny human but you still somehow end up winging it almost ALL the time.

So this is my list of 10 things to NOT do as new mom based on my first 6 months as a mom.

Yep, basically it’s a “Do as I say, not as I do” thing, or rather “not as I DID”.

1. Don’t delay using the bathroom post-delivery

Okay, so this is not quite into actual mommy-hood territory. But after my experience, I realised that I NEEDED to warn all moms-to-be.

Using the bathroom is usually the last thing on your mind after delivery. You have a new-born who needs your attention and quite frankly, so does your vagina.

You just had a lot of things coming out of you – a human, placenta etc. –  so you may not be too excited about the other things that need to come out of you.  Also, if you are like me, you do not want to “go” in the hospital. You prefer to wait till you are in the comfort of your own home.

But a few days pass and you quickly realise that you barely have time to even use the bathroom. So the process is delayed a bit more. Next thing you know, you are sitting there wondering if you are going into labour again. 😣

I hadn’t thought that my ummm (what is the most ladylike way to put this?) waste removal system would be so affected by childbirth. But in hindsight (no pun intended), how could I have not thought that?

Sigh, it’s too late for me but hopefully you out there heed my warning. 

Ask your doctor if there is anything you can take such as a stool softener or laxative before you leave the hospital. Confirm that it is safe for the baby if you are breastfeeding. Otherwise, enemas will be become your frenemy or more so, your frenema. 😐

2. Don’t use your boobs as weapons

I know what comes to mind here…Fembots right? But not quite what I am referring to…

Breastfeeding is one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had in my life. There is nothing like holding and nurturing your little one…then you realise that your boobs are your secret weapons to maintaining your sanity and even getting an extra few hours of sleep. And I don’t mean your weapons against your partner (though they are handy for that too) but against your baby.

Oh yeah, mommy-hood is a battlefield. Your boobs will help you win some battles but I am still not sure about the war.

My baby girl had a terrible witching hour in her first 3 months. She would cry for 2 or 3 hours in the afternoon and almost nothing would calm her down.

Enter, my boobs. 🙃

I am not sure when I realised it but before I knew it, I was drunkening my baby with breastmilk. It sounds bad but it was like I was the bartender and she kept coming back for drink after drink and I didn’t cut her off. She would be giving me her sob stories (LITERALLY) and I would listen, try to soothe and then pour her another shot of that breastmilk.

Next thing I knew, she would be passed out and I would be toting her into her crib. Fast forward a month after the witching hour lifted and I had become a human pacifier.

3. Don’t sing inappropriate songs to your baby

So it’s no mystery to my family and friends that my husband is the singer in this union. I mean, I can sing but let’s just say, Beyonce wouldn’t be calling me for backup anytime soon. My husband also has a knack for hearing a song ONCE and knowing the lyrics. Clearly an alien. 👽

So it is safe to say that our baby girl prefers his singing.

But there are two things you will find yourself doing around a baby – talking in that weird baby voice and singing. So I couldn’t help myself.

Read about my mom-rapping debut here.

Normal moms probably sing nursery rhymes like Baa Baa Black Sheep, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star – you know, the classics.

Me?

The songs that come to my mind are Chutney Bacchanal and Nelly’s Hot in Here* (in my defence, it really was getting hot in herrre, and I had to take the baby’s clothes off).

*My husband thought that my rendition of Hot in Here might be too inappropriate to be added to this post. But let me know in the comments if you would like to hear it. 🤔

4. Don’t leave yourself exposed

This one is difficult because you want to be all up in that cuteness. But beware, you might have a tiny Chuck Norris on your hands.

Learn from me, I have spent many days staring at my bundle of joy, even when she was sleeping, thinking of how angelic she looked. Then I would get the unexpected punch or kick. And they were HARD. She really made me feel like she was doing some jujitsu training while we were asleep.

Youch. 😖

Read about my first “Tiny Chuck Norris” moment here.

5. Don’t be manipulated by their cuteness

And while your little angel is not bruising you, she is playing mind games with you. These little ones quickly realise that they can use their cuteness to get away with ANYTHING.

What advice can I offer here? It’s almost a year and three months after and I still don’t know to resist. And science says, you probably can’t.  Studies have been done to show that “a baby’s cuteness is scientifically engineered to appeal to all of our senses in order to kick our caregiving sensibilities into high gear.”

So maybe when she tries to give you them puppy dog eyes, just avoid eye contact and get the heck out of there. 🏃‍♀️

6. Don’t think your partner will just “get it”

If you think that the first few months of becoming parents, you and your partner would fall in love even more deeply while learning to take care of your baby, you would take turns changing diapers, and things are a breeze because you have a partner to go through it all with you then you would be….right…ish.

Yes, you will have some elements of the aforementioned but you would also have many, MANY moments when you basically feel like strangling your partner.

Don’t get me wrong, my husband is very supportive but there are things that he just does not understand. Things that he doesn’t think of the way I do. It can be frustrating at times because you just want them to have that “mommy instinct”, but try to be patient and let them know what you need.

Of course, you will still have nights when you glare at them while they are sleeping and you are up breastfeeding. Them and their useless nipples. Humph. 🙄

7. Don’t try to be Wonderwoman (or Captain Marvel, pick your universe)

But with my last point being said, it was very difficult for me to give the reins to anyone else.

Especially since during the first few months, my baby girl only wanted to be held by my husband and me. I had a support system but in the beginning, it was very hard for them to lend much support in terms of taking the baby so I could have a break.

So when my husband went back out to work after about two weeks being home with us, I kicked into a mode to try not to need anyone, even him. I wanted to do it all on my own.

I don’t recommend this. Yes, after a while, you would somewhat fall into a routine and you will learn to handle much more. But in the first few months for the very least, accept the help. It doesn’t make you any less of a mom. You owe it to yourself, your baby and your partner to be in a healthy mindset.

8. Don’t freak out over the little thing

I was playing with my baby girl one day. I was holding her and then moving around in a circle. Then as I stopped, I noticed something…odd.

Next scene – Me calling my husband frantically to tell him that I made our baby cross-eyed. 😧

If my husband had a dollar for every time I called him in a frenzy for things that turned out to be nothing, then we would have at LEAST 20 dollars. What I learned afterward was that it was normal for a baby’s eyes to wander in different directions in the first few weeks. Crisis averted.

For any Friends buff, I completely related to Rachel when she had her baby. She freaked out if her baby even had so much as a hiccup and harassed her paediatrician, Dr. Weiner, to the point where he “fired” her.  #TheOneWithThePediatrician

Let’s just say, my paediatrician was lucky I didn’t have him on speed dial. 📲

9. Don’t Google EVERYTHING

Dr. Google however, was available 24-7.

Now, Google is actually quite helpful. It did help me find out that a baby’s eyes may wander in different directions in the first few weeks. In fact, it even helped me figure out that what my relatives deemed as “maljo” was just my baby having a witching hour due to overstimulation.

However, sometimes Google can take you down a rabbit hole. 🐰

You find yourself googling the most ridiculous things – from the colour of your baby’s poops to the loudness of their farts. Yes, a lot of your searches will centre around your baby’s digestive system.

I do wish I had saved some of the things I searched for but chances are, I may have been too embarrassed to share anyway. 😳

10. Don’t be too hard on yourself

Becoming a new mom is no easy task. Different challenges come at different times, but the first 6 months are especially hard.

You have to learn a lot of things and you have to learn them quickly. Don’t even get me started on the emotional roller-coaster you are on.  

You have to deal with the challenges of having a whole other human to take care of while your body is trying to get back to some state of normalcy.

And just when you feel like you are getting a handle on it all, you have to go back to work. Now you have to prepare you and your baby mentally for that transition.

It’s the most challenging yet most wonderful time.

You have to remember that things won’t always run smoothly. Your relatives might not always agree with your parenting methods. Your co-workers might not always understand why you are tired or late.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can. You love your baby and he/she is lucky to have you. 😊💖

………

But despite this advice, you will probably still use your boobs as a weapon, freak out over very little thing and Google everything.

But that’s okay, it’s all part of the process. I hope this list at least makes you smile and lets you know that you are not alone. 🙂

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